Bitter

thirtyone.one.twentyohnine

I bumped into a really really really old friend the other day.

*I exaggerate the "really really really old" because I've known him since i was 11 and he's now in his mid-thirties. :D*

He used to say that you could read into my emotions by just looking into my eyes. And I don't disagree with him. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I seem to have trouble concealing my true emotions *dammit*.

He also brought up people that I used to know through him, but have no recollection of now. Apparently they think I'm rude and stuck-up. I don't remember them so I see no reason of why I should appear nice.

I DO NOT REMEMBER YOU. YOU WERE NOT THAT IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.

But there was one thing that he did say that struck a chord. When he bumped into me for all of two seconds, he could see something in my eyes. Bitterness.

My closest friends, and those stuck within a two meter radius, know how badly affected I was from my most serious relationship...-ever-...

I was a woman scorned and it affected me BADLY. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of what happened exactly, but the only thing that came out of it was me having lost my trust in men and about a billion walls built up around me. I like to tell me friends that my heart was ripped apart, delicately put back together with sticky tape and then dipped into twenty vats of concrete.

Bitter? F*ck yea.

We broke up about a year and a half ago (i.e. end of 2007) and since then I've been in one relationship and numerous rebounds. The one relationship that I was in, I honestly didn't care about the guy. It just felt nice to be looked after; a false sense of security. How could I care about someone that I didn't trust? Yes, I was a bitch...I said I loved him when in all actuality, I DID NOT CARE.

But something happened the beginning of this year.

I met a guy. Yes, I meet a lot of guys, but this guy was different. You could look into his eyes and see that he went through the same pain that I went through. Oooh..now I understand the whole eyes = soul thing. But wait. I've been in this situation before. And it did not go well.. *lesson learnt: misery DOES love company, but doesn't give it company for very long*.

With this...boytoy...I can talk to him. I can trust him in the sense that he isn't going to hurt me mentally or fuck me over the way that other men has in the past. But I'm still scared. For one reason.

I don't feel like I'm ready to have a relationship.

1. I don't want to deal with the expectations of being a girlfriend. There's always that fine line that you can cross when you're in a relationship. When you're dating, they don't expect you to call everyday. They don't expect you hang out with their friends...or even get to KNOW their friends. There are no expectations when you are dating.
2. I don't want the obligations. The obligation of talking to you everyday, of seeing you everyday, of having to tell you what the fuck is on my mind. I owe you nothing. And the same goes for you.
3. I cannot deal with commitment right now. Don't get me wrong, I am LOYAL. I am loyal when I genuinely like you and want to be with you. I just don't want to be right now. I don't want to have to promise that you're the only one I'm going to kiss, the only one I'm going to hold, the only one I'm going to cuddle. I like kissing my girlfriends and my gay friends. This is because I know I'm probably not going to sleep with them...save for maybe one girlfriend because she's bi and she's hot, but I do enjoy macking on them sometimes. I like holding my guy friend's hands because I actually feel safe. I know that they're not going to take advantage of me and I know it's not going to go anywhere because I'm not attracted to them like that. I like cuddles. I love cuddles. And if I feel like I need a cuddle, I'm going to the closest friend. The reason why I explain all of this in detail is because men these days don't know how to differentiate their "partner's" friends from potential "dangers". Point in case was the last guy I dated. *jealous possessive over-attentive hyper-sensitive hypocritical obstinate fuck*

Maybe I'm being a little over-board in wanting to be independent and have my freedom, bla bla bla...but I like the way my life is going right now. But I sorta kinda feel that I'm being selfish. And ohmygod, what a great catch this boytoy is. It's easy to talk to him, easy to cuddle with him, his smell is AMAZING our hands find themselves entangled with each other, and the bedroom..........................PHWOAR.

I just don't know whether I should start letting my walls down just yet.

I'm mentally fucked.