Another vicious cycle

....

This is my third attempt at trying to write this post.

I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling except that I feel lonely, unwanted, un-special (I know the word doesn't exist so bare with the 'lack-for-a-better' bullshit)....just meaningless.

Sort of started on Saturday.

It was a big day for my ex on Saturday (he got married and I am legitimately happy for him) and a day for me. To help me realize if I really have moved on or not, or whether I just feel this way because I want to feel the way that I did before.....ya know?

What I have realized is that I have moved on from him. Just not from what he did. And becuase of that, I have been putting people through some serious shitzen.

I don't trust boys and I give them a reason not to trust me.
I look through their shit and I don't really care if I get caught because whatever I've found just points out that I really shouldn't have trusted you in the first place.
You're probably reading that and thinking "That's a serious breach of trust". And it is. No doubt. But...in a way, I'm doing it to protect myself.

So, because of this mistrust, it just turns into this horrible vicious cycle that replays in all my more serious relationships.
I pull away. Not just physically. Emotionally. And my biggest downfall is the fact that I cannot hide who I really am. If I'm pissed you'll be able to feel it. If I'm happy you can see it. Yada yada yada.

That's what's happening now. I snooped. I snooped and I hurt myself by snooping. There was absolutely no reason for me to, but you gave me the green light to not trust you by telling me that what ever words you say might not be true.

How is that supposed to make me feel?


Part Two of this blog post. I've put it on hold for eons. But I need to post it coz I did it again today. I snooped again.

I don't know why!

ARGH! SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME!!!!