Bitter

thirtyone.one.twentyohnine

I bumped into a really really really old friend the other day.

*I exaggerate the "really really really old" because I've known him since i was 11 and he's now in his mid-thirties. :D*

He used to say that you could read into my emotions by just looking into my eyes. And I don't disagree with him. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I seem to have trouble concealing my true emotions *dammit*.

He also brought up people that I used to know through him, but have no recollection of now. Apparently they think I'm rude and stuck-up. I don't remember them so I see no reason of why I should appear nice.

I DO NOT REMEMBER YOU. YOU WERE NOT THAT IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.

But there was one thing that he did say that struck a chord. When he bumped into me for all of two seconds, he could see something in my eyes. Bitterness.

My closest friends, and those stuck within a two meter radius, know how badly affected I was from my most serious relationship...-ever-...

I was a woman scorned and it affected me BADLY. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of what happened exactly, but the only thing that came out of it was me having lost my trust in men and about a billion walls built up around me. I like to tell me friends that my heart was ripped apart, delicately put back together with sticky tape and then dipped into twenty vats of concrete.

Bitter? F*ck yea.

We broke up about a year and a half ago (i.e. end of 2007) and since then I've been in one relationship and numerous rebounds. The one relationship that I was in, I honestly didn't care about the guy. It just felt nice to be looked after; a false sense of security. How could I care about someone that I didn't trust? Yes, I was a bitch...I said I loved him when in all actuality, I DID NOT CARE.

But something happened the beginning of this year.

I met a guy. Yes, I meet a lot of guys, but this guy was different. You could look into his eyes and see that he went through the same pain that I went through. Oooh..now I understand the whole eyes = soul thing. But wait. I've been in this situation before. And it did not go well.. *lesson learnt: misery DOES love company, but doesn't give it company for very long*.

With this...boytoy...I can talk to him. I can trust him in the sense that he isn't going to hurt me mentally or fuck me over the way that other men has in the past. But I'm still scared. For one reason.

I don't feel like I'm ready to have a relationship.

1. I don't want to deal with the expectations of being a girlfriend. There's always that fine line that you can cross when you're in a relationship. When you're dating, they don't expect you to call everyday. They don't expect you hang out with their friends...or even get to KNOW their friends. There are no expectations when you are dating.
2. I don't want the obligations. The obligation of talking to you everyday, of seeing you everyday, of having to tell you what the fuck is on my mind. I owe you nothing. And the same goes for you.
3. I cannot deal with commitment right now. Don't get me wrong, I am LOYAL. I am loyal when I genuinely like you and want to be with you. I just don't want to be right now. I don't want to have to promise that you're the only one I'm going to kiss, the only one I'm going to hold, the only one I'm going to cuddle. I like kissing my girlfriends and my gay friends. This is because I know I'm probably not going to sleep with them...save for maybe one girlfriend because she's bi and she's hot, but I do enjoy macking on them sometimes. I like holding my guy friend's hands because I actually feel safe. I know that they're not going to take advantage of me and I know it's not going to go anywhere because I'm not attracted to them like that. I like cuddles. I love cuddles. And if I feel like I need a cuddle, I'm going to the closest friend. The reason why I explain all of this in detail is because men these days don't know how to differentiate their "partner's" friends from potential "dangers". Point in case was the last guy I dated. *jealous possessive over-attentive hyper-sensitive hypocritical obstinate fuck*

Maybe I'm being a little over-board in wanting to be independent and have my freedom, bla bla bla...but I like the way my life is going right now. But I sorta kinda feel that I'm being selfish. And ohmygod, what a great catch this boytoy is. It's easy to talk to him, easy to cuddle with him, his smell is AMAZING our hands find themselves entangled with each other, and the bedroom..........................PHWOAR.

I just don't know whether I should start letting my walls down just yet.

I'm mentally fucked.

LIFE

nineteen.one.twentyohnine

I can hate it with such passion sometimes.

But I shall try so very, very, VERY hard not to vent.

keyword: TRY



My horrible weekend basically starts out on Friday. I get a lovely call from Immigration. They're suspicious about my visa because I'm only taking TWO classes this semester and they think I'm trying to work here illegally (because this country is soooooooooooo kind to foreigners).

So i spend a good 3 hours on public transportation just to get to the Immigration office where I'm interogated by officers on why I've been in this country for so damn long:

1) My father used to work here
2) I moved here when I was 8
3) I love your country and want to live in it forever and ever....gah.

I was on the verge of tears, but being such a "strong" woman, I remained cold. Bwahaha, what nonsense, I was freaking out and hoping that I wasn't going to get locked in dentention and raped by big burly women :S

After being stuck in the office for about 2 hours...it was another 3 hours back home. Do Not Ask. Public transport in this country sucks balls. And it doesn't help that the immigration office is in Timbukto.

Moving on.......yes, the night of absolute shittiness has yet to end.

I get home at around 5 30pm. And I decide to drink. Lots of vodka. Mango vodka. Mmmmmm.

I think I might have sent out angry vibes to the world, because not soon after my glamourous read: gay buddy rings me up to join him at my neighbourhood pub. I say "My" because I can quite literally crawl home if need be. We call up my ghetto read:awesome neighbour and she joins us. It seems like my day might end on an awesome note. We chill, hang and meet new friends (who were loud and rowdy and playing drinking games) and we get happy with them.

Ghetto "Dude, its almost midnight...you better get home"
Moi "Gah. Ok, let me pay for the bill"
Looks through bag. Looks through bag. Empties out bag on huge neighbourhood pub table.
Moi "Where the FUCK is my wallet?!"
Flash back sequence to bus...Immigration office....bus.... . . .
Moi "I lost my wallet.......*sooooooooob*"

In twenty four hours, I get called to Immigration. Suffer horrible public transport. Lose wallet while using horrible public transport.

I think the only highlight of my weekend was when Superstar won an award. I felt like a proud mother :P

As the day goes by

seven.one.twentyzeronine

Just got back from the holidays on sunday morning.

I must say...either Air Asia needs to work on the domino effect of their airplanes, or at least have the courtesy to tell us when their planes are delayed.

Was stuck at an airport at my mother's motherland and was waiting for the plane to allow us to board (boarding time was 2040 hours).

8.40 pm rolls around, and no annoucements made.
9pm comes close at the corner...no announcement was made.
9.20 is the time...still no boarding.

I have to wait an hour. ONE HOUR until the Air Asia dudes and dudettes say that we may board the plane.

You know what else ticked me off?

There were two families that had very young babies with them. AGAIN with the common courtesy...they didn't have the decency to allow families with young children on first. I KNOW that air asia is a low cost carrier...but aren't families with young children more important than the bastards and bitches that try cut the line THE MINUTE that the Air Asia dudes and dudettes announce that we can board?! You make us wait an hour WITHOUT any information about the delayed flight, I highly doubt that the rest of the passengers would have minded if we were to wait another 10 mins (like when we had to wait for those with express boarding) to allow the TWO families with little babies on.

I might appear to be uncouth and rude and quite a bitch...but at least I have the decency of common courtesy and respect to people I KNOW deserve it (even if having babies on a plane is annoying).