....
This is my third attempt at trying to write this post.
I don't really know how to describe how I'm feeling except that I feel lonely, unwanted, un-special (I know the word doesn't exist so bare with the 'lack-for-a-better' bullshit)....just meaningless.
Sort of started on Saturday.
It was a big day for my ex on Saturday (he got married and I am legitimately happy for him) and a day for me. To help me realize if I really have moved on or not, or whether I just feel this way because I want to feel the way that I did before.....ya know?
What I have realized is that I have moved on from him. Just not from what he did. And becuase of that, I have been putting people through some serious shitzen.
I don't trust boys and I give them a reason not to trust me.
I look through their shit and I don't really care if I get caught because whatever I've found just points out that I really shouldn't have trusted you in the first place.
You're probably reading that and thinking "That's a serious breach of trust". And it is. No doubt. But...in a way, I'm doing it to protect myself.
So, because of this mistrust, it just turns into this horrible vicious cycle that replays in all my more serious relationships.
I pull away. Not just physically. Emotionally. And my biggest downfall is the fact that I cannot hide who I really am. If I'm pissed you'll be able to feel it. If I'm happy you can see it. Yada yada yada.
That's what's happening now. I snooped. I snooped and I hurt myself by snooping. There was absolutely no reason for me to, but you gave me the green light to not trust you by telling me that what ever words you say might not be true.
How is that supposed to make me feel?
Part Two of this blog post. I've put it on hold for eons. But I need to post it coz I did it again today. I snooped again.
I don't know why!
ARGH! SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME!!!!
Wednesday
Ask me Anything
twentyfive.three.twentyohnine
I am such a sucker when it comes to quizzes and surveys.
Quizzes 'cause it helps me find out all sort of things about me that I *thought* I didn't know and surveys...just 'cause I like answering questions.
I am the most awesome person to pass a survey to.. :D
Stumbled across this quiz thingo that analyzes your personality. Very simple. You just choose the group which sounds more like you...which was difficult for me 'cause it seemed like both panels described me anyways.
Anyhoo...moving on to quiz.
"Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.
This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. In extreme cases, they tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for them is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, they quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. Their creativity, their imaginativeness and their originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas - they then leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, Spontaneous Idealists attach great value to their inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. They therefore have problems with hierarchies and authorities.
As a Spontaneous Idealist you are one of the extroverted personality types. You enjoy working in a colorfully diverse group of people who interest and inspire you. Working in a “secluded room” is not your thing. Your sense for the motivation of others is almost eerie. You constantly observe that which happens around you and have no problems noticing all sorts of things simultaneously or communicating with several people at the same time.
At Work
Your enthusiasm is contagious to others and that is why your colleagues and friends all appreciate you as an important member of your team. Your articulateness and your sensitive ear for nuances in conversations with others obviously play a role. For you, this team-oriented environment is very important because you need to receive positive feedback and recognition like other people need air to breathe. It would be practically impossible for you to contribute everything you need to maintain your high ideals, by yourself.
Variety, challenges and fun are important ingredients of your area of responsibility. You appreciate receiving new stimulation, meeting new people, and continuously collecting unique experiences. However, too much routine, too much detail work and the necessity to stick with one project for a very long time is not your thing. Your strength are creative problem solutions, discovering new ways and opportunities, the conceptualization of new ideas on one hand, but not so much their concrete implementation on the other. Ideally, you have a staff of capable colleagues that takes over your concepts and runs with them.
In Love
When you are in love, you easily outperform all other personality types in terms of enthusiasm and panache. Then your commitment knows no limits. You go out of your way in your eagerness to express your affection, and in your happiness, you are ready to embrace the entire world. When watching your attempts to flirt, one can’t help but think about a puppy dancing happily around its new playmate. Then for you simply nothing exists but your newfound love. „Hold your horses!“ - “Discretion is the better part of valor!” - “All that glitters is not gold!” - these worldly wisdoms are nothing but a waste of time.
With the entire spontaneity of your personality type, you instinctively immerse yourself in your emotions because you are sure that this time you have found the perfect partner. And you want everything here and now. You can probably go through as many divorces and separations as you want, but you are never going to learn from experience and at the age of 70 - and with shining eyes - you are still ready to walk down the aisle. Your friends may sometimes have a problem watching this, but they can only shake their heads in exasperation, and hope and pray, because in those moments you won’t accept advice from anyone. Then it would be easier to get in the way of a Tsunami.
In a long-term partnership you are a charming, affectionate, and unconventional partner, always good for a surprise, always there if you are needed, always ready for a loving compliment. As generous as you are with your feelings, so do you love to spend money and lavish your partner with gifts - sometimes even causing the very security minded and conservative types in the relationship to get a little weak in the knees. Should they now be happy that you abducted them to a luxury hotel for a romantic weekend, or should they be concerned whether there will be a problem when the next rent payment becomes due? Everyday things only interest you peripherally anyway; sometimes you walk with a downright childish confidence through life believing that the universe, fate or some other supreme powers are going to make sure that at the end everything will work out. So, why worry and save? It is interesting that this sometimes even works!
If you have a Spontaneous Idealist as your friend, you will never be bored; with them, you can enjoy life to the full and celebrate the best parties. At the same time, they are warm, sensitive, attentive and always willing to help. If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.
..."
You can do your own by going here: http://www.ipersonic.com/test.html
I am such a sucker when it comes to quizzes and surveys.
Quizzes 'cause it helps me find out all sort of things about me that I *thought* I didn't know and surveys...just 'cause I like answering questions.
I am the most awesome person to pass a survey to.. :D
Stumbled across this quiz thingo that analyzes your personality. Very simple. You just choose the group which sounds more like you...which was difficult for me 'cause it seemed like both panels described me anyways.
Anyhoo...moving on to quiz.
"Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. They are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Their enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. They enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when they are around. However, they are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to their direct and sometimes critical nature.
This personality type is a keen and alert observer; they miss nothing which is going on around them. In extreme cases, they tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for them is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, they quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. Their creativity, their imaginativeness and their originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas - they then leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, Spontaneous Idealists attach great value to their inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. They therefore have problems with hierarchies and authorities.
As a Spontaneous Idealist you are one of the extroverted personality types. You enjoy working in a colorfully diverse group of people who interest and inspire you. Working in a “secluded room” is not your thing. Your sense for the motivation of others is almost eerie. You constantly observe that which happens around you and have no problems noticing all sorts of things simultaneously or communicating with several people at the same time.
At Work
Your enthusiasm is contagious to others and that is why your colleagues and friends all appreciate you as an important member of your team. Your articulateness and your sensitive ear for nuances in conversations with others obviously play a role. For you, this team-oriented environment is very important because you need to receive positive feedback and recognition like other people need air to breathe. It would be practically impossible for you to contribute everything you need to maintain your high ideals, by yourself.
Variety, challenges and fun are important ingredients of your area of responsibility. You appreciate receiving new stimulation, meeting new people, and continuously collecting unique experiences. However, too much routine, too much detail work and the necessity to stick with one project for a very long time is not your thing. Your strength are creative problem solutions, discovering new ways and opportunities, the conceptualization of new ideas on one hand, but not so much their concrete implementation on the other. Ideally, you have a staff of capable colleagues that takes over your concepts and runs with them.
In Love
When you are in love, you easily outperform all other personality types in terms of enthusiasm and panache. Then your commitment knows no limits. You go out of your way in your eagerness to express your affection, and in your happiness, you are ready to embrace the entire world. When watching your attempts to flirt, one can’t help but think about a puppy dancing happily around its new playmate. Then for you simply nothing exists but your newfound love. „Hold your horses!“ - “Discretion is the better part of valor!” - “All that glitters is not gold!” - these worldly wisdoms are nothing but a waste of time.
With the entire spontaneity of your personality type, you instinctively immerse yourself in your emotions because you are sure that this time you have found the perfect partner. And you want everything here and now. You can probably go through as many divorces and separations as you want, but you are never going to learn from experience and at the age of 70 - and with shining eyes - you are still ready to walk down the aisle. Your friends may sometimes have a problem watching this, but they can only shake their heads in exasperation, and hope and pray, because in those moments you won’t accept advice from anyone. Then it would be easier to get in the way of a Tsunami.
In a long-term partnership you are a charming, affectionate, and unconventional partner, always good for a surprise, always there if you are needed, always ready for a loving compliment. As generous as you are with your feelings, so do you love to spend money and lavish your partner with gifts - sometimes even causing the very security minded and conservative types in the relationship to get a little weak in the knees. Should they now be happy that you abducted them to a luxury hotel for a romantic weekend, or should they be concerned whether there will be a problem when the next rent payment becomes due? Everyday things only interest you peripherally anyway; sometimes you walk with a downright childish confidence through life believing that the universe, fate or some other supreme powers are going to make sure that at the end everything will work out. So, why worry and save? It is interesting that this sometimes even works!
If you have a Spontaneous Idealist as your friend, you will never be bored; with them, you can enjoy life to the full and celebrate the best parties. At the same time, they are warm, sensitive, attentive and always willing to help. If Spontaneous Idealists have just fallen in love, the sky is full of violins and their new partners are showered with attention and affection. This type then bubbles over with charm, tenderness and imagination. But, unfortunately, it soon becomes boring for them once the novelty has worn off. Boring everyday life in a partnership is not for them so that many Spontaneous Idealists slip from one affair into another. However, should the partner manage to keep their curiosity alive and not let routine and familiarity gain the upper hand, Spontaneous Idealists can be inspiring and loving partners.
Adjectives which describe your type
spontaneous, enthusiastic, idealistic, extroverted, theoretical, emotional, relaxed, friendly, optimistic, charming, helpful, independent, individualistic, creative, dynamic, lively, humorous, full of zest for life, imaginative, changeable, adaptable, loyal, sensitive, inspiring, sociable, communicative, erratic, curious, open, vulnerable..."
You can do your own by going here: http://www.ipersonic.com/test.html
Tuesday
Women
twentyfour.three.twentyohnine
My current job involves looking at blogs.
So I am constantly browsing through blogs all day for at least 5 hours a day.
I come across amazing blogs.
Blogs that revolve around photos, their lives, their friends...ooh ooh and food.
But recently I've been looking through Singapore bloggers.
There are a lot of them.
And the one pet peeve that really hits me is that almost 60% of the female bloggers that I come across are married. Young. And have at least two children before the age of 25.
I have nothing against marriage...and I have nothing against birthing youngspawn carbon copies of themselves.
BUT getting married before you've even reached maturity?! *to me, the age of REACHING maturity is 21. But you're only mentally mature at around 25/26*
THAT'S RIDICULOUS!!!
You have no idea what you want in life.
You have no idea if this is the person that you're going to be 5 years down the line *granted, you might never really know*
You have no idea if YOUR PARTNER is going to be the same person 5 years down the line.
Why the hell are you getting married so young and producing mini-me's before the age of 25??
I mean, the only logical reason would be because you think you won't be alive past the age of 55!
That gives you 30 years to watch your kids grow up, get married at 20 too, have kids before they're 25 and watch your grandkids turn into tumble tots!
SERIOUSLY!!
Why take such a big risk such as getting married so young and then having kids and then putting them through the pain of divorce when you suddenly realise that your spouse ISN'T the one you want to spend your time with??
People these day's ask why the divorce rate is so high.
There's your answer.
Getting married at an age where you haven't developed yourself as a person is just LUDICROUS!
*God, I just needed to vent.*
My current job involves looking at blogs.
So I am constantly browsing through blogs all day for at least 5 hours a day.
I come across amazing blogs.
Blogs that revolve around photos, their lives, their friends...ooh ooh and food.
But recently I've been looking through Singapore bloggers.
There are a lot of them.
And the one pet peeve that really hits me is that almost 60% of the female bloggers that I come across are married. Young. And have at least two children before the age of 25.
I have nothing against marriage...and I have nothing against birthing young
BUT getting married before you've even reached maturity?! *to me, the age of REACHING maturity is 21. But you're only mentally mature at around 25/26*
THAT'S RIDICULOUS!!!
You have no idea what you want in life.
You have no idea if this is the person that you're going to be 5 years down the line *granted, you might never really know*
You have no idea if YOUR PARTNER is going to be the same person 5 years down the line.
Why the hell are you getting married so young and producing mini-me's before the age of 25??
I mean, the only logical reason would be because you think you won't be alive past the age of 55!
That gives you 30 years to watch your kids grow up, get married at 20 too, have kids before they're 25 and watch your grandkids turn into tumble tots!
SERIOUSLY!!
Why take such a big risk such as getting married so young and then having kids and then putting them through the pain of divorce when you suddenly realise that your spouse ISN'T the one you want to spend your time with??
People these day's ask why the divorce rate is so high.
There's your answer.
Getting married at an age where you haven't developed yourself as a person is just LUDICROUS!
*God, I just needed to vent.*
Favourites: Music (Part Two)
seventeen.three.twentyohnine
MUSIC
With music, you can't really say that you love all their songs, but with these bands, I love all their albums. In each album, it's a totally new experience and their songs are just brilliant.
1) Snow Patrol
The soothing, calming effect of Gary Lightbody's voice is amazing. It's not just the way he melodious puts words together, but his songwriting skills as well.
He has this unbelievable talent of creating little bubbles for the people that are listening to the songs and making them feel like the songs were sincerely written for them.
Love it.
Songs to look out for are Run, Chocolate, and Set the Fire to the Third Bar.
2) Nine Days
Probably the first Indie band that I fell in love with, their only album that hit our shores, "The Maddening Crowd" is prolly the only CD in my collection which has been destroyed because it's been overplayed.
I figure I have a common denominater about all my favourite bands because each and every one of their songs allow me to relate to them in some strange way.
Or maybe I'm just psycho.
Songs to listen to are Wannabe (NOT the Spice Girls), Bob Dylan and 257 Weeks.
3) Kings of Leon
4) Foo Fighters
5) Travis
Now go download and let your ears orgasm.
MUSIC
With music, you can't really say that you love all their songs, but with these bands, I love all their albums. In each album, it's a totally new experience and their songs are just brilliant.
1) Snow Patrol
The soothing, calming effect of Gary Lightbody's voice is amazing. It's not just the way he melodious puts words together, but his songwriting skills as well.
He has this unbelievable talent of creating little bubbles for the people that are listening to the songs and making them feel like the songs were sincerely written for them.
Love it.
Songs to look out for are Run, Chocolate, and Set the Fire to the Third Bar.
2) Nine Days
I figure I have a common denominater about all my favourite bands because each and every one of their songs allow me to relate to them in some strange way.
Or maybe I'm just psycho.
Songs to listen to are Wannabe (NOT the Spice Girls), Bob Dylan and 257 Weeks.
3) Kings of Leon
The most recent addition to my love of music, I have at least five of their songs on repeat all day every day.
Similar to Snow Patrol in the sense that Caleb Followill has such a magnetic voice and EXCELLENT song writing skills. They're songs are literally like sex for my ears.
Awesome songs are Use Somebody, King of the Rodeo, Milk, Revelry, and Sex is on Fire.
Similar to Snow Patrol in the sense that Caleb Followill has such a magnetic voice and EXCELLENT song writing skills. They're songs are literally like sex for my ears.
Awesome songs are Use Somebody, King of the Rodeo, Milk, Revelry, and Sex is on Fire.
4) Foo Fighters
AHHHHHHHHHH!!
I HAVE LOVED THE FOO FIGHTERS SINCE I WAS A TWEEN!
Honestly the first band that started off my love for Alternative Rock, I started gaining an interest on them from their kooky music videos on MTV.
Those day's are long gone and their nonsensical songs have now been replaced by rock ballads with more meaning. I think it all had to do with Dave Grohl becoming a poppa.
Must listen to all albums. To biased to pick a song.
I HAVE LOVED THE FOO FIGHTERS SINCE I WAS A TWEEN!
Honestly the first band that started off my love for Alternative Rock, I started gaining an interest on them from their kooky music videos on MTV.
Those day's are long gone and their nonsensical songs have now been replaced by rock ballads with more meaning. I think it all had to do with Dave Grohl becoming a poppa.
Must listen to all albums. To biased to pick a song.
5) Travis
I have no words to describe the wonder of Travis.
Their beautiful melodys that some strange people consider to be depressing is out of this world.
The guitar riffs are peaceful.
The drumbeats are strong.
The bass lulls you in.
And the vocals keep you there.
I love Travis.
Again. Listen to all songs, but the one with speacial meaning is most definately Flowers in the Window.
Their beautiful melodys that some strange people consider to be depressing is out of this world.
The guitar riffs are peaceful.
The drumbeats are strong.
The bass lulls you in.
And the vocals keep you there.
I love Travis.
Again. Listen to all songs, but the one with speacial meaning is most definately Flowers in the Window.
Now go download and let your ears orgasm.
Monday
Riddles
two.three.twentyohnine
Had a mad ass crazy retarded weekend.
Oh, no, it wasn't bad or anything!
It was actually quite perfect.
Albeit, it consisted mostly of partying for 48 hours.
It's too much stress to write about what happened so photos will finally magically appear on my blog soon.
The highlights?
Love it.
xx
*Edit*
Here are Z photos :)
No prizes for guessing whos-who
whoops...theres a reapeat of a photo...oh well :D
Had a mad ass crazy retarded weekend.
Oh, no, it wasn't bad or anything!
It was actually quite perfect.
Albeit, it consisted mostly of partying for 48 hours.
It's too much stress to write about what happened so photos will finally magically appear on my blog soon.
The highlights?
- The number 24.
- The number 15.
- French people are funny.
- Friends are fricking amazing.
- I'm no longer single. And I'm happy about that.
Love it.
xx
*Edit*
Here are Z photos :)
No prizes for guessing whos-who
whoops...theres a reapeat of a photo...oh well :D
Tuesday
Favourites: Books (part one)
ten.two.twentyohnine
Books.Movies.Music.
That's the order of importance that the three major "art" forms take in my life. Yes, yes, there is also theatre, musicals, actual art, etc., but I just want to include those three. I'll prolly do a full list on all types of art forms and the order of importance that they take in my life later on.
I'm only going to do a top five so don't worry.
*the only reason why I'm doing this list is because I want to put up pictures but not of myself or my lifestyle...just yet anyways*
BOOKS
I have read these books over and over and over again and I have never ever been bored. They stimulate me mentally and the way that the authors manage to let me *I'm the special reader here remember!* become one of the characters with such ease...phwoar. I get emotionally attached with the characters in the book so easily, I fear whether the life I lead right now is really mine or if it's controlled by some author out there *oh wait, that was in Sophie's World*
1) She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
An AMAZING book by Wally Lamb.
Telling the life story of how a woman was raised from childhood to adulthood and the trials and tribulations that she faced. It talks about psychological issues that affect people when put in those situations and how this young woman dealt with them and overcame the mess that she had to go through.
*read it 8 times*
2) Prozac Nation (Elizabeth Wurtzel)
I read this book when I was 16.
*read 4 times*
3) The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)
A friend of mine passed me this book knowing how much I like to have my mind poked by abstract thoughts. Quite philosophical, it compares and contrasts how two couples that are strangely linked together react to different romantic situations. I find it brilliant because, well to me anyways, Kundera managed to understand the female psyche and describes with such ease why men react the way they do. Both the women in the book, as well as the men, are complete parallel opposites in the way that they look at life and how they deal with their insecurities.
*read once but bought my own book to read again*
4) The God of Small Things (Arundhati Roy)
The only other book (apart from She's Come Undone) that had me so enraptured by the characters that I basically cried throughout. A sad, dramatic story of twins and how they were affected by the actions of their parents and family. God, even while I'm writing the review it fills my tear ducts.
*read 3 times. Cried 3 times*
5) His Dark Materials (Philip Pullman)
The one and only fantasy book that I truly enjoy (Harry Potter is interesting, but these books just rip it to shreds).
*read twice*
Now go read.
Books.Movies.Music.
That's the order of importance that the three major "art" forms take in my life. Yes, yes, there is also theatre, musicals, actual art, etc., but I just want to include those three. I'll prolly do a full list on all types of art forms and the order of importance that they take in my life later on.
I'm only going to do a top five so don't worry.
*the only reason why I'm doing this list is because I want to put up pictures but not of myself or my lifestyle...just yet anyways*
BOOKS
I have read these books over and over and over again and I have never ever been bored. They stimulate me mentally and the way that the authors manage to let me *I'm the special reader here remember!* become one of the characters with such ease...phwoar. I get emotionally attached with the characters in the book so easily, I fear whether the life I lead right now is really mine or if it's controlled by some author out there *oh wait, that was in Sophie's World*
1) She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
An AMAZING book by Wally Lamb.Telling the life story of how a woman was raised from childhood to adulthood and the trials and tribulations that she faced. It talks about psychological issues that affect people when put in those situations and how this young woman dealt with them and overcame the mess that she had to go through.
*read it 8 times*
2) Prozac Nation (Elizabeth Wurtzel)
I read this book when I was 16.Having a young, nubile, mold-able mind, I was so influenced by the book that it actually made me want to go out there and try every single drug that she described. It's not that I wanted to, it's the way that she describes them. I think that's why I love this book so much. She remembers all the little details and the descriptions; mind blowing. It's my favourite type of book to read. Being able to sit there on my bed and imagine what it would be like to go through what she did. Obviously now, I don't really want to try touch the stuff, but I'm tempted to re-read it and imagine it all over again.
*read 4 times*
3) The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)
A friend of mine passed me this book knowing how much I like to have my mind poked by abstract thoughts. Quite philosophical, it compares and contrasts how two couples that are strangely linked together react to different romantic situations. I find it brilliant because, well to me anyways, Kundera managed to understand the female psyche and describes with such ease why men react the way they do. Both the women in the book, as well as the men, are complete parallel opposites in the way that they look at life and how they deal with their insecurities.*read once but bought my own book to read again*
4) The God of Small Things (Arundhati Roy)
The only other book (apart from She's Come Undone) that had me so enraptured by the characters that I basically cried throughout. A sad, dramatic story of twins and how they were affected by the actions of their parents and family. God, even while I'm writing the review it fills my tear ducts.Just trust me on this one, if you love reading books of coming of age stories and family interactions (dramatic or not) this is a MUST have.
*read 3 times. Cried 3 times*
5) His Dark Materials (Philip Pullman)
The one and only fantasy book that I truly enjoy (Harry Potter is interesting, but these books just rip it to shreds).A trilogy that follows the path of two children from different worlds, it sort of lets you imagination run wild. Just thinking that there is a parallel universe where it is almost exactly like this one, 'cept you have talking souls that are in the form animals and if they die, you die...
Not exactly children friendly, it revolves around coming-of-age, love, family, death and bonds that could never be broken no matter what parallel universe you are in, in this massive galaxy. :D
Not exactly children friendly, it revolves around coming-of-age, love, family, death and bonds that could never be broken no matter what parallel universe you are in, in this massive galaxy. :D
*read twice*
Now go read.
Saturday
Bitter
thirtyone.one.twentyohnine
I bumped into a really really really old friend the other day.
*I exaggerate the "really really really old" because I've known him since i was 11 and he's now in his mid-thirties. :D*
He used to say that you could read into my emotions by just looking into my eyes. And I don't disagree with him. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I seem to have trouble concealing my true emotions *dammit*.
He also brought up people that I used to know through him, but have no recollection of now. Apparently they think I'm rude and stuck-up. I don't remember them so I see no reason of why I should appear nice.
I DO NOT REMEMBER YOU. YOU WERE NOT THAT IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.
But there was one thing that he did say that struck a chord. When he bumped into me for all of two seconds, he could see something in my eyes. Bitterness.
My closest friends, and those stuck within a two meter radius, know how badly affected I was from my most serious relationship...-ever-...
I was a woman scorned and it affected me BADLY. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of what happened exactly, but the only thing that came out of it was me having lost my trust in men and about a billion walls built up around me. I like to tell me friends that my heart was ripped apart, delicately put back together with sticky tape and then dipped into twenty vats of concrete.
Bitter? F*ck yea.
We broke up about a year and a half ago (i.e. end of 2007) and since then I've been in one relationship and numerous rebounds. The one relationship that I was in, I honestly didn't care about the guy. It just felt nice to be looked after; a false sense of security. How could I care about someone that I didn't trust? Yes, I was a bitch...I said I loved him when in all actuality, I DID NOT CARE.
But something happened the beginning of this year.
I met a guy. Yes, I meet a lot of guys, but this guy was different. You could look into his eyes and see that he went through the same pain that I went through. Oooh..now I understand the whole eyes = soul thing. But wait. I've been in this situation before. And it did not go well.. *lesson learnt: misery DOES love company, but doesn't give it company for very long*.
With this...boytoy...I can talk to him. I can trust him in the sense that he isn't going to hurt me mentally or fuck me over the way that other men has in the past. But I'm still scared. For one reason.
I don't feel like I'm ready to have a relationship.
I just don't know whether I should start letting my walls down just yet.
I'm mentally fucked.
I bumped into a really really really old friend the other day.
*I exaggerate the "really really really old" because I've known him since i was 11 and he's now in his mid-thirties. :D*
He used to say that you could read into my emotions by just looking into my eyes. And I don't disagree with him. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I seem to have trouble concealing my true emotions *dammit*.
He also brought up people that I used to know through him, but have no recollection of now. Apparently they think I'm rude and stuck-up. I don't remember them so I see no reason of why I should appear nice.
I DO NOT REMEMBER YOU. YOU WERE NOT THAT IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.
But there was one thing that he did say that struck a chord. When he bumped into me for all of two seconds, he could see something in my eyes. Bitterness.
My closest friends, and those stuck within a two meter radius, know how badly affected I was from my most serious relationship...-ever-...
I was a woman scorned and it affected me BADLY. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of what happened exactly, but the only thing that came out of it was me having lost my trust in men and about a billion walls built up around me. I like to tell me friends that my heart was ripped apart, delicately put back together with sticky tape and then dipped into twenty vats of concrete.
Bitter? F*ck yea.
We broke up about a year and a half ago (i.e. end of 2007) and since then I've been in one relationship and numerous rebounds. The one relationship that I was in, I honestly didn't care about the guy. It just felt nice to be looked after; a false sense of security. How could I care about someone that I didn't trust? Yes, I was a bitch...I said I loved him when in all actuality, I DID NOT CARE.
But something happened the beginning of this year.
I met a guy. Yes, I meet a lot of guys, but this guy was different. You could look into his eyes and see that he went through the same pain that I went through. Oooh..now I understand the whole eyes = soul thing. But wait. I've been in this situation before. And it did not go well.. *lesson learnt: misery DOES love company, but doesn't give it company for very long*.
With this...boytoy...I can talk to him. I can trust him in the sense that he isn't going to hurt me mentally or fuck me over the way that other men has in the past. But I'm still scared. For one reason.
I don't feel like I'm ready to have a relationship.
- I don't want to deal with the expectations of being a girlfriend. There's always that fine line that you can cross when you're in a relationship. When you're dating, they don't expect you to call everyday. They don't expect you hang out with their friends...or even get to KNOW their friends. There are no expectations when you are dating.
- I don't want the obligations. The obligation of talking to you everyday, of seeing you everyday, of having to tell you what the fuck is on my mind. I owe you nothing. And the same goes for you.
- I cannot deal with commitment right now. Don't get me wrong, I am LOYAL. I am loyal when I genuinely like you and want to be with you. I just don't want to be right now. I don't want to have to promise that you're the only one I'm going to kiss, the only one I'm going to hold, the only one I'm going to cuddle. I like kissing my girlfriends and my gay friends. This is because I know I'm probably not going to sleep with them...save for maybe one girlfriend because she's bi and she's hot, but I do enjoy macking on them sometimes. I like holding my guy friend's hands because I actually feel safe. I know that they're not going to take advantage of me and I know it's not going to go anywhere because I'm not attracted to them like that. I like cuddles. I love cuddles. And if I feel like I need a cuddle, I'm going to the closest friend. The reason why I explain all of this in detail is because men these days don't know how to differentiate their "partner's" friends from potential "dangers". Point in case was the last guy I dated. *jealous possessive over-attentive hyper-sensitive hypocritical obstinate fuck*
I just don't know whether I should start letting my walls down just yet.
I'm mentally fucked.
Monday
LIFE
nineteen.one.twentyohnine
I can hate it with such passion sometimes.
But I shall try so very, very, VERY hard not to vent.
keyword: TRY
My horrible weekend basically starts out on Friday. I get a lovely call from Immigration. They're suspicious about my visa because I'm only taking TWO classes this semester and they think I'm trying to work here illegally (because this country is soooooooooooo kind to foreigners).
So i spend a good 3 hours on public transportation just to get to the Immigration office where I'm interogated by officers on why I've been in this country for so damn long:
1) My father used to work here
2) I moved here when I was 8
3) I love your country and want to live in it forever and ever....gah.
I was on the verge of tears, but being such a "strong" woman, I remained cold. Bwahaha, what nonsense, I was freaking out and hoping that I wasn't going to get locked in dentention and raped by big burly women :S
After being stuck in the office for about 2 hours...it was another 3 hours back home. Do Not Ask. Public transport in this country sucks balls. And it doesn't help that the immigration office is in Timbukto.
Moving on.......yes, the night of absolute shittiness has yet to end.
I get home at around 5 30pm. And I decide to drink. Lots of vodka. Mango vodka. Mmmmmm.
I think I might have sent out angry vibes to the world, because not soon after my glamourous read: gay buddy rings me up to join him at my neighbourhood pub. I say "My" because I can quite literally crawl home if need be. We call up my ghetto read:awesome neighbour and she joins us. It seems like my day might end on an awesome note. We chill, hang and meet new friends (who were loud and rowdy and playing drinking games) and we get happy with them.
Ghetto "Dude, its almost midnight...you better get home"
Moi "Gah. Ok, let me pay for the bill"
Looks through bag. Looks through bag. Empties out bag on huge neighbourhood pub table.
Moi "Where the FUCK is my wallet?!"
Flash back sequence to bus...Immigration office....bus.... . . .
Moi "I lost my wallet.......*sooooooooob*"
In twenty four hours, I get called to Immigration. Suffer horrible public transport. Lose wallet while using horrible public transport.
I think the only highlight of my weekend was when Superstar won an award. I felt like a proud mother :P
I can hate it with such passion sometimes.
But I shall try so very, very, VERY hard not to vent.
keyword: TRY
My horrible weekend basically starts out on Friday. I get a lovely call from Immigration. They're suspicious about my visa because I'm only taking TWO classes this semester and they think I'm trying to work here illegally (because this country is soooooooooooo kind to foreigners).
So i spend a good 3 hours on public transportation just to get to the Immigration office where I'm interogated by officers on why I've been in this country for so damn long:
1) My father used to work here
2) I moved here when I was 8
3) I love your country and want to live in it forever and ever....gah.
I was on the verge of tears, but being such a "strong" woman, I remained cold. Bwahaha, what nonsense, I was freaking out and hoping that I wasn't going to get locked in dentention and raped by big burly women :S
After being stuck in the office for about 2 hours...it was another 3 hours back home. Do Not Ask. Public transport in this country sucks balls. And it doesn't help that the immigration office is in Timbukto.
Moving on.......yes, the night of absolute shittiness has yet to end.
I get home at around 5 30pm. And I decide to drink. Lots of vodka. Mango vodka. Mmmmmm.
I think I might have sent out angry vibes to the world, because not soon after my glamourous read: gay buddy rings me up to join him at my neighbourhood pub. I say "My" because I can quite literally crawl home if need be. We call up my ghetto read:awesome neighbour and she joins us. It seems like my day might end on an awesome note. We chill, hang and meet new friends (who were loud and rowdy and playing drinking games) and we get happy with them.
Ghetto "Dude, its almost midnight...you better get home"
Moi "Gah. Ok, let me pay for the bill"
Looks through bag. Looks through bag. Empties out bag on huge neighbourhood pub table.
Moi "Where the FUCK is my wallet?!"
Flash back sequence to bus...Immigration office....bus.... . . .
Moi "I lost my wallet.......*sooooooooob*"
In twenty four hours, I get called to Immigration. Suffer horrible public transport. Lose wallet while using horrible public transport.
I think the only highlight of my weekend was when Superstar won an award. I felt like a proud mother :P
Wednesday
As the day goes by
seven.one.twentyzeronine
Just got back from the holidays on sunday morning.
I must say...either Air Asia needs to work on the domino effect of their airplanes, or at least have the courtesy to tell us when their planes are delayed.
Was stuck at an airport at my mother's motherland and was waiting for the plane to allow us to board (boarding time was 2040 hours).
8.40 pm rolls around, and no annoucements made.
9pm comes close at the corner...no announcement was made.
9.20 is the time...still no boarding.
I have to wait an hour. ONE HOUR until the Air Asia dudes and dudettes say that we may board the plane.
You know what else ticked me off?
There were two families that had very young babies with them. AGAIN with the common courtesy...they didn't have the decency to allow families with young children on first. I KNOW that air asia is a low cost carrier...but aren't families with young children more important than the bastards and bitches that try cut the line THE MINUTE that the Air Asia dudes and dudettes announce that we can board?! You make us wait an hour WITHOUT any information about the delayed flight, I highly doubt that the rest of the passengers would have minded if we were to wait another 10 mins (like when we had to wait for those with express boarding) to allow the TWO families with little babies on.
I might appear to be uncouth and rude and quite a bitch...but at least I have the decency of common courtesy and respect to people I KNOW deserve it (even if having babies on a plane is annoying).
Just got back from the holidays on sunday morning.
I must say...either Air Asia needs to work on the domino effect of their airplanes, or at least have the courtesy to tell us when their planes are delayed.
Was stuck at an airport at my mother's motherland and was waiting for the plane to allow us to board (boarding time was 2040 hours).
8.40 pm rolls around, and no annoucements made.
9pm comes close at the corner...no announcement was made.
9.20 is the time...still no boarding.
I have to wait an hour. ONE HOUR until the Air Asia dudes and dudettes say that we may board the plane.
You know what else ticked me off?
There were two families that had very young babies with them. AGAIN with the common courtesy...they didn't have the decency to allow families with young children on first. I KNOW that air asia is a low cost carrier...but aren't families with young children more important than the bastards and bitches that try cut the line THE MINUTE that the Air Asia dudes and dudettes announce that we can board?! You make us wait an hour WITHOUT any information about the delayed flight, I highly doubt that the rest of the passengers would have minded if we were to wait another 10 mins (like when we had to wait for those with express boarding) to allow the TWO families with little babies on.
I might appear to be uncouth and rude and quite a bitch...but at least I have the decency of common courtesy and respect to people I KNOW deserve it (even if having babies on a plane is annoying).
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